What Keeps Us Well: The Power of Relationships
For Mental Health Awareness Month – Week 1
Last Friday evening, I put on a cute summer dress and met up with my friend, Lynne, to go to a local artisan event that our other friend, Chrissy, had created and organized.
While talking to local artists, eating cupcakes made by a local chef, and sipping on lemonade, I saw several people I knew. Even though our town is the second largest town in our state, our town is like that - you often run into someone you know and you actually stop to chat!
My friend Lynne and I sat on the couches at the event and chatted. The owner of the studio came over and we chatted too. Familiar faces stopped by and sat to chat, too. I love this about our town - most people are friendly and kind, no airs about them, no uppity BS, and don’t think it’s weird to stop and chat for awhile.
Chrissy introduced us to other folks, too. And this time, I didn’t shy away when Chrissy sung my praises to others - I smiled and thought about all our shared moments for close to two decades.
Afterward, Lynne and I walked over to a local brewery to eat at one of the food trucks. This isn't your typical food truck "junk" - we shared a beet salad and an artisanal fig and cheese pizza. It was so good! We talked about everything, as we always do. Lynne and I have been on long bike rides, hikes, and walks. We’ve trained together for different sport events. In those hours of riding bikes or walking, we’ve done a lot of sharing!
When I was driving home, I noticed how I felt: content, happy, and peaceful. My heart was buzzing with warmth and gratitude for having spent an evening with good people.
We often think about mental health as something internal—thoughts, feelings, moods, diagnoses. But as anyone who has ever felt the sting of loneliness or the balm of a good conversation knows: mental health is also relational.
We are wired for connection. I often tell my clients "nervous system speaks to nervous system." We co-regulate with one another.
We feel safer, calmer, and more grounded when we are seen and supported. When we feel isolated for too long or too often from others and when we have problems in our relationships, it can take a real toll on us - our minds, bodies, and souls.
When I first heard about the Harvard Study of Adult Development, an 85-year longitudinal study on well-being, and the truth they have found from their research again and again over so many decades, it moved me deeply.
The Harvard study found a striking truth: the quality of our relationships is the single strongest predictor of our health and happiness over a lifetime.
Not wealth, not fame, not achievement, not even our genes or how much we workout and what we eat - the strongest predictor of our health and happiness is the quality of our relationships.
Think about that for a moment and let that sink in. I know - it sounds crazy! I am someone who loves exercise and prides herself on making good and nourishing food - which are super important. (Sidenote: In some podcasts with the director of the Harvard study, he talks about how movement and nutrition are majorly important - but from their search they are actually secondary! So he says: focus on your connections and treat your body like you will live to be 100!).
In the United States, we are experiencing an epidemic of loneliness and a major mental heath crisis. No wonder: we prize independence and reward productivity.
Often in my work as a holistic psychotherapist and integrative coach I see how this American culture can deplete us and leave us lonely, isolated, and not well.
I know that for me, I do not want to be too busy to not see "my people." In midlife, I have played around with this: what would happen if I focused less attention on my work and more on my connections? What if I prioritized my relationships more? I am attempting to untangle from the dominate and destructive paradigm in my country.
The Harvard study talks about having a variety of connections that vary in depth and meaning. You might say hi to your postal worker, the grocery store clerk, or barista even though you don't know their name. You might stop to chat with a neighbor and learn their name. You might invite a colleague to lunch. You might schedule a regular phone call with a dear friend who you don't see very often. You might join a group with a similar interest of yours and take a risk to get to know someone in the group. You might turn off the computer and go hang with your dear ones.
This week, I invite you to pause, reflect on your connections, and take action to nurture your connections - even to just one person.
Who do you enjoy being with?
Who makes you laugh or helps you to exhale?
These are not small things.
They are medicine.
They are mental health care.
They are longevity care.
If you feel the ache of disconnection, you are not alone. Many of us do. If you look around and don't have many friends or strong connections, you are ot the only one.
Reaching out is a practice.
So is receiving.
You might join a group and be disappointed. You might reach out to someone and not get a text back. You might get rejected. I get that and that hurts. AND - get back out there and try again.
This week, consider one gentle action:
Write a text. Make a date. Ask for a walk. Send a voice memo. Let someone know they matter to you and that you’d like to connect.
It could be the start of a small healing. Or the return of something your soul has been quietly longing for.
Blessings,
Lisa