When You Just Want to Keep Driving Past Your Exit

That midlife despair you feel is actually a hunger for aliveness.

“Sometimes when I’m driving to work, I see my exit coming up and I just want to keep driving,” An integrative coaching client told me the other day.

Have you ever felt this way, too?

Pay attention to that feeling. It might come as low whisper at first - a seemingly fleeting thought “What if I just kept driving?”

Then it becomes a conscious curiosity - “Where would I go?” - that leads you down a road of daydreaming - maybe you’d quit your job and start that flower shop you’ve always longed to own. Maybe you’d finally take that trip abroad, or take the photography class, or…just rest.

But you shake it off: “Not now” or “Not today” or “Someday” or “I can’t now because I have to…”

And you merge back into the familiar - same job, same unhealthy habit, same nightly routine, same conversation with your partner, same responsibilities, same showing up for everyone but yourself.

You keep life the exact (monotonous, mind-numbing, or soul-draining) way it’s been.

But then, if we do not change up our lives, our bodies and souls either start to shout or shut down. Our bodies ache. We numb out on food, our phones, or alcohol. We are tired - a lot. Life starts to feel “blah” or flat. And inside, we become weary, which turns into deflated, which turns into numb, which turns into…a quiet emptiness.

Recently, I had a few midlife women tell me they’ve thought of ending their lives. No, they’d never follow through, they said. “I wouldn’t want to do that to my kids,” they said.

They want something to be different, but it doesn’t feel possible, and they are just…really tired and stuck.

“I am not living, but I can’t die,” one told me.

Suicide in midlife has often been described as “death by despair.” This level of despair doesn’t happen all at once - it comes from little moments of vitality slowly seeping out when we feel stuck, unhappy, helpless to make a change, and like we can’t choose ourselves.

I believe that much of midlife despair is actually a hunger for more aliveness.

Immediately when my coaching client told me about her desire to not take the exit to work but to keep on driving, I perked up. “Ohhhh, tell me more about where you’d go…what you’d do!!!” I asked with curiousity.

I knew where this would take us: into her visions of aliveness. As we talked, her heart’s desires started to emerge - a roadmap was emerging.

But what often comes in similiar coaching conversations after we give our hearts some space to name the dreams is this: roadblocks.

“But I can’t” or “It’s not possible” or “I could never…”

These “I can’t” roadblocks come rushing in like a rush-hour traffic jam - responsibilities, fears, finances, guilt, doubts, and “I’m too far down this road in my life to turn back.”

It’s as if every possible “reroute toward joy” from our heart’s GPS gets barricaded before we even turn the wheel in the direction of our deep soul satisfaction.

This is usually the point in a coaching session I gently say something like, “You can remain exactly where you are living the same way you are, but eventually you’ll have to listen to your heart and body. They will find a way to make you listen. You can either continue to ignore your Self and wither even more - or you can decide to turn toward your longings and follow them.”

That’s when things often get quiet for a moment. “I don’t want to wither, but I don’t see a way out,” I often hear. And THAT is when I start talking about a practice from the book, Atomic Habits, where you cast tiny votes in your everyday life for the person you want to be.

You start choosing aliveness. You start choosing YOU.

Even if you want a big overhaul (and sometimes that’s what you need!), it starts with casting tiny votes for yourself.

You listen to your body when it says it wants to rest - so you put away the computer and DON’T lay on the couch doomscrolling, instead you go outside and lay on the earth.

You listen to your intuition when you hear, “I don’t really want to go to that event that I feel like I should go to but it drains me. So I’m not going to go.”

You listen to your soul when it says, “I am spending 10 minutes today looking into taking a big break from my work and going on that sabbatical or trip abroad.”

You cast a vote for your aliveness. You cast a vote for what makes your heart sing.

The “I can’t” starts to turn into “I can” and “I am.” Yes, you’ll have more roadblocks and more setbacks. The journey is not linear. You’ll want to give up. The old exit will call to you. Despair’s GPS system will shout, “That’s the wrong way!” But you’ll begin to trust your longings more and more.

You’ll realize that the only GPS system you need is what delights you.

Blessings,

Lisa

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Want to choose your joy?

I have some resources to support you.

I created a 10-Day Self-Love Challenge and a 12-Day Joy Challenge to jumpstart your habit of you choosing you.

My Preventing and Healing Burnout workshop gives you a toolkit to help you critically reflect on your life and take soulful actions toward setting better boundaries and choosing what delights you.

My two books, Gems of Delight and Your Light is Rising, offer short reflections that help you to build the daily habit of choosing you.

I have FREE meditations on Insight Timer. Each meditation is about helping you to rest, recharge, and choose your joy.

And if you long for further guidance, check out 1:1 coaching with me - info and pricing are all upfront and here on my website. Check it out and then sign up for a 15 minute free consult. I am opening new spaces for fall. (Note: DO NOT sign up for a consultation with me without first looking at how I work and my rates. Let’s not waste your time or mine).